Theatre

I quit my job in July of last year.  I had a "great" job in the theatre industry, one that so many people I know would BEG to have.  But, in the end, it was only a great job on paper.   The reality of it sucked, for me at least.  Leaving it was the best thing I've ever done for my health and happiness, and I've never regretted it for a moment.

So my head is spinning with the questions that leaves me--did the shit-astic parts only pertain to that specific job at that specific theatre, or do the things that I hated exist at every theatre?  Should I strive to find another theatre or arts management job, in the field where I've gotten a great start to a career?  Or has the time come to move on?  Is moving on just throwing the baby out with the bathwater?

Maybe I should look at the reasons I left....

What Sucked
Looking back, there were so many elements to that job that were simply soul-crushing--the kind of soul-crushing that is so subtle that it seeps into you over time, and before you know it, you're insane. Passive-aggressive soul-suckage, or something.  What are the things I simply could not live with again...things that I could not abide in another job?
1) The constant stress that made me think about work non-stop.  The kind that gets so chronic that my relationships and my health suffered.
2) The elitist board of directors with their vanity and lack of integrity.
3) The actual physical environment--a dimly lit cave of an office (Umm...I worked in a converted men's bathroom.  And I shared it with 3 other people.  I'm not kidding.)
4) The feeling that I worked for a dead company, just being allowed to live a zombie-like existence out of nostalgia and vanity.  Yes, there were good parts, and real reasons for the nostalgia, and true potential to breathe back to life, but day in and day out it felt like something that just kept existing because nobody wanted to let it die.  I had to struggle to justify its purpose and the reasons for all the stress, and in the end it made me feel like it was all for nothing--like there was no inspiration left in the arts world.
5) The pay.  I worked there for four years, pretty much ran the place, and got my salary up to $33K before I left.  There was only one "benefit": we got reimbursed for our own individual health insurance plan, up to a certain amount.  No group plan, no help with dependents or spouses, no health savings account.  No retirement.  No "working lunches."  Not even a freaking CTA pass.  Two weeks vacation.  Maternity leave was one month paid.

Just this once, or all theatre?
Other than the shitty pay and benefits, not all jobs in theatre are this way.  John is working at a truly dream job in theatre right now--not just on paper but in reality.  I love the company he works for.  Honestly, it is one of the best theatre companies in Chicago in every sense: the people, its artistic integrity, community, quality of work, support, meaning. When I go see a show there, or help out, I just feel like "This is what theatre is meant to be."  (And I'm pretty damn picky.)

So, here's a litmus test for me: if they are the best case scenario, would I want to work for them?

.....

....The amount I have to pause and think about that means something in and of itself.  I mean, yes, I would work for them, (but there's a big but) but only if the above five things did not have the impact on me like they did at the last place.  Knowing the reality of theatre, that's not an option, even at John's dream theatre.  They may be doing better work, and be managing to cut out number 4 and do better on all other fronts, but the reality is that artistic greatness still comes at a price.  Being asked to care so much comes at a price. 

I think I'm realizing I'm not willing to pay it.  When it comes to theatre, you have to care--a lot.  It's not really an option to not devote a huge part of your soul to it.  Theatre has to become your life too, not just your job.  It's something I loved about it when I entered into it.  But, it's simply no longer worth it for me.  The kind of caring that is asked of an employee or artist--the amount of heart and soul you have to pour into it--I just don't have it in me to give that to theatre anymore.  I don't think I care enough about it anymore.  Or maybe I care too much about other things now.  Either way, in the end, I don't think I can be the kind of employee that I should be if I were to continue to work in theatre. 

Have I become the stereotypical jaded theatre artist? 

Should I cry about this, or should I be relieved?