Keeping up my end of the bargain

One inescapable truth of my 29th Year project is that it's about me: MY personal improvement.  And, yes, even in the Romance department it means the same thing.  It's not about trying to get my partner to improve himself in some way that has been bothering me or that I wish he would notice and change.  It's not about resolving a particular relationship issue.  It's about me.  Who am I not being, to my husband and marriage, that I want to be.

Ummm.... That can be tough.  Especially when I'm as stubborn as I am.  In romantic relationships, it is SO easy to say that the issues are "our" problems (or "his" problems).  It is so easy to say "we" need to work on this or that.  Strip that defense away, and it feels pretty vulnerable to know that I am so responsible for something I care so much about.  To realize that, if something goes wrong in my marriage, there is a 50% chance that I am at fault.  Not circumstance or chance.  Me.

And, yes.  That's the truth.  Absorbing that fact can make me a little shaken.  My automatic defenses make me much more likely to place the blame on shoulders that are not my own, and it's hard to reverse the hard-wiring. 

Let's take an example (and a dangerous one at that): my looks.

Now, as someone who's never particularly cared much about my outward appearance, I will admit that I've taken that a little far since having a baby.  Frankly, I've not really tried.  And (in my narcissistic mind) my husband just needed to deal.  If I didn't want to lose the extra baby weight, or if I wanted to continue to wear maternity clothes for way longer than socially acceptable, then that's his problem, right?  He should just love me for who I am.

But, when I started to take more of an interest in my health, let's just say he wasn't skilled enough at hiding his interest and excitement.  I picked up on it, and my slightly too defensive side wasn't too pleased.  I also wasn't keen on how happy he was that I started having to dress nicer and wear make-up to work.  Why is he implying I need to look better???  He should just love me for who I am!  

And, on some level, this is true.  He should love me for who I am, and he does.  But, remember, my 29th Year isn't about him.  It's about me.  So it begs the question, do I really want to be that kind of wife to my husband?  Do I really want to say "Look, if I want to grow fat and unattractive, you just need to deal with it."? 

Jesus Caroline, what kind of message am I sending him? 

I'll tell you what: it's that I don't care enough about him to put in a little effort.  It's that I don't think he's special enough to want to look good for him.

How horrible!  That's not what I want to say or who I want to be.  Would I want him to do the same thing to me?  Absolutely not.  So why am I okay with doing that to the most important person in my life?

It is simply not respectful to the people I love when I am too damn hard-headed to admit when I'm not keeping up my end of the bargain--when I demand that someone should just love me for who I am, even when I can't do the same or wouldn't want someone to demand the same of me.

It may not seem all that revelatory on paper, but to me this realization is a pretty big deal to me.  Then again, I suppose for an improvement project that's all about me, that's what counts.

Call me Farmer Caroline, thank you very much

OMG!  I just found out we got a plot in the new community garden in our neighborhood.  Holy Shit!  I am SO excited.

It's one of my goals, you see.  That list (that I just realized I still haven't published---oops) of goals I've made for myself for the next three years--a three year plan of sorts.  One of these goals is that I really want to learn how to grow some of my own food (as well as preserve it).  So I am just giddy over this surprising new development!  I mean, this plot is like GOLD in Chicago.  There aren't many community garden plots that stipulate organic gardening requirements and let you grow food.  AAAAAHHHH!

Am I worried that I have NO IDEA what I'm doing?  That I've never grown so much as a weed successfully?  And I have to start Sunday?  Nope.  I'm just envisioning a large bounty of plump heirloom tomatoes and gorgeous bell peppers--maybe some herbs.  OOoooh....melons....can I do melons?  It's a pretty big plot...

So, even though I am nowhere near getting to the topics of "Adventure", "Recreation", or "Education", I think they just dropped into my lap.  May not seem like much of an adventure to anyone else, it is to me.

So exciting!....

They probably wouldn't allow a fruit tree, right?

Could I Be a Gym Person?

Confession:  I joined a gym.

Hillarious as this is, it is actually not a joke.

So here is how I,  "Not a Gym Person" Caroline, came to this striking act...

Step 1:  I got a job, and one of the perks of this job is a steeply discounted corporate gym membership at one of the swankiest gyms in Chicago, right next door to my place of work.  I still have to pay part of it, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to pay even a cent toward something that may be a complete waste of money.  I loathe wasting money.  Even though I am now securely employed, it gives me physical pain to waste even a dime.  I honestly didn't even pay attention to this new perk, believing there was no way I would take advantage, until...

Step 2:  March and April were/are MISERABLE in Chicago.  I mean the worst weather ever.  My genius "being active" plan of biking to work has been put on hold for far longer than I wanted.  It has rained/snowed/blustered/been too cold every single weekday, so I have been unable to hop on the bike bandwagon, or do any kind of good "routine" activity that I would like.  I've been itching to do something, but have been completely (and almost literally) frozen in my tracks.  Then I realize, this is not going to be the last time this happens.  Bad weather happens all the time.  I mean, half the year in Chicago, right?  So what am I going to do to solve this for the long term?  AND, even if weather IS perfect...

Step 3:  I realized that, umm, hello...I need a freaking shower after a bike ride!  Especially since I no longer work at a place where it's okay to roll out of bed and wear sweats to work. (::Sigh::)  Even when I DO carry out my brilliant biking plan, it is SO worth the money just for a place to shower.  Why not kill two birds with one stone, and solve the "what do I do when it rains for week?" question AND the shower questions all in one?  I can be pretty cheap, but even I see the value in the shower.  And the value of the free Kiel's shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and lotion.  Think of how much money I could save in shampoo!  (Told you I was cheap.)

Step 4: As I have said, this is my month of Romance.  Well, one of the things I have determined I need to work on in this department is my own feelings about my looks.  Particularly, do I think of myself as being "sexy", and how does this relate to my sexuality?  The answer is--closely.  (Big surprise, I know.)  So, as I will elaborate on in my next blog post, improving my view of myself is a big plus in the Romance department.  Taking care of myself--doing everything I can to stay healthy and vibrant and see myself as beautiful--is part of keeping up my end of the Romance bargain.  (More on that next time.)

And THAT, my friends, is how someone who loathes spending money AND gyms joined the chi-chi-iest gym in Chicago.

I'll keep you posted.

Making a Fishbowl

So, it's been a while since I've blogged.  I've been doing a lot of writing, just not on the computer.  It's been mostly inspirational and fun, and I'm re-learning how much more I like to write on paper vs. on computers (hence the lack of blog time).  I don't know if anything will come of it, but it feels really good to just write free hand. 

Also, this month has been devoted to Romance.  And, though I like to be public about some things, needless to say others probably shouldn't be too publicized.  But, it's going well.  A little tough, since my husband has had about two and a half weeks of getting home at midnight or later due to the show he's trying to produce.  But definitely making progress :)

Another big project of mine that I've been focusing on besides amore is that I've been trying to create a list of goals.  I got the idea from a blog I read, and it's author is trying to do 42 goals in 42 months.  It's something he tweaked from another challenge that's out on the interweb of trying to accomplish 101 goals in 1001 days.  Anyway, I too am making up my own thing with a similar structure, and it's taking me a lot longer than I thought it would.  I'm trying really hard to tweak it to be realistic but challenging, and considering I tend to bite of way more than I can chew on a regular basis, I want to be sure I have the right balance before starting (and publishing it here).

This takes me back to this idea of a Challenge.  Why is the idea of a Challenge so intriguing to me?  Well, I just saw this amazing YouTube video, and I think, in an abstract and indirect way, it explains why.  

I think I need to make myself a fishbowl.