Today, I did not fail

I know this will come as no surprise, but the truth is it has been so hard to keep myself motivated to write these past couple of weeks.  And not just write, but continue my personal exploration in any way.  I've reached a hump.

Part of it is that I have had way less "me" time.  So when I do have it, I've been indulging in things like sleeping or reading or watching TED talks (which I have now become obsessed with). 

Part of it is that I have a job now that doesn't allow me to sit and write a blog entry whenever I want.

Most of it has been that I just haven't made myself a priority.  It happens when you want to be a good mom, a good wife, and a good daughter/sister/friend.  When I want to be all these things, AND the most amazing employee in the world, I can put myself on the back burner a little too long. 

So when a friend of ours told us he was having a birthday bash tonight at a nice restaurant and dance club, and only one of us could attend while the other stayed home with the Toddler, I happily let the hubby have the night out.  It was a rare night: extrovert that I am, I'm usually raising my hand like a Hermione Granger in Charms class to "Pick Me!" to go out on a Friday night with friends, and, introvert that the hubby is, he is usually desperately avoiding any situation that someone would remotely insinuate public movement to music.  But, he's been home all week with the "More-Like-A-Toddler-Every-Day" son, and I am in major need of personal time, so we did a sudden personality reversal. 

In a Room of My Own
Tonight, once the Toddler was in bed, I told myself I would write.  Not really to solve anything or explore anything new.  Just to admit to the fact that this past month--though successful in many ways, like getting a job--has been a complete and utter failure in the "making myself a better person and figuring shit out" way.

For instance, I can't even talk about how bad I've been in the Health category.  I changed jobs, and that switched some stuff up, like my commute and how nicely I have to dress (meaning I haven't been walking as much when wearing the heels and choosing not to start biking once the weather turned nice), but that can't be an excuse any longer.  The change is complete.  Now it's just me standing in my own way.  I know when I'm making a bad decision, and I make it anyway.  I know when I'm choosing to take the easy way out, and I do it anyway.  When it comes to health, or self-discipline in any area, we have to make good decisions every day.  We can't let up.  We have to make that choice to be self-disciplined, to be better, every day.

Well, I've let up.  I did not make the right decisions this past month. I kept thinking, "I can worry about it tomorrow, or when my job becomes secure, or when it's not freaking freezing outside, or when there is not cake staring me in the face." (I don't think there has been a day at my new job that has not had some unexpected free dessert show up.  Cake, cupcakes, chocolates, cookies.  EVERY DAY.  I think I've gained ten pounds in two weeks.)

So today is my confessional.  I dropped the Caroline ball.  I kept the mom ball up, the wife ball (mostly) up, the worker ball soaring, the daughter/sister ball moving in the right direction, and the friend ball going steady.  The Caroline ball is lying flat on the floor, deflated.

I failed.  And it feels surprisingly good to have that off my chest.

Maybe, through this confessional, I can give myself hope that I can be renewed.  That I can regenerate that lost motivation.  By finally sitting down, just me and a laptop, I can admit my faults to myself, forgive myself, and maybe become a better person for it.

Today, maybe I made the right decision: I wrote.  I can pick that ball up again, and inflate it. That way tomorrow, when I have to make the decision again, I can finally get it back up in the air.