One inescapable truth of my 29th Year project is that it's about me: MY personal improvement. And, yes, even in the Romance department it means the same thing. It's not about trying to get my partner to improve himself in some way that has been bothering me or that I wish he would notice and change. It's not about resolving a particular relationship issue. It's about me. Who am I not being, to my husband and marriage, that I want to be.
Ummm.... That can be tough. Especially when I'm as stubborn as I am. In romantic relationships, it is SO easy to say that the issues are "our" problems (or "his" problems). It is so easy to say "we" need to work on this or that. Strip that defense away, and it feels pretty vulnerable to know that I am so responsible for something I care so much about. To realize that, if something goes wrong in my marriage, there is a 50% chance that I am at fault. Not circumstance or chance. Me.
And, yes. That's the truth. Absorbing that fact can make me a little shaken. My automatic defenses make me much more likely to place the blame on shoulders that are not my own, and it's hard to reverse the hard-wiring.
Let's take an example (and a dangerous one at that): my looks.
Now, as someone who's never particularly cared much about my outward appearance, I will admit that I've taken that a little far since having a baby. Frankly, I've not really tried. And (in my narcissistic mind) my husband just needed to deal. If I didn't want to lose the extra baby weight, or if I wanted to continue to wear maternity clothes for way longer than socially acceptable, then that's his problem, right? He should just love me for who I am.
But, when I started to take more of an interest in my health, let's just say he wasn't skilled enough at hiding his interest and excitement. I picked up on it, and my slightly too defensive side wasn't too pleased. I also wasn't keen on how happy he was that I started having to dress nicer and wear make-up to work. Why is he implying I need to look better??? He should just love me for who I am!
And, on some level, this is true. He should love me for who I am, and he does. But, remember, my 29th Year isn't about him. It's about me. So it begs the question, do I really want to be that kind of wife to my husband? Do I really want to say "Look, if I want to grow fat and unattractive, you just need to deal with it."?
Jesus Caroline, what kind of message am I sending him?
I'll tell you what: it's that I don't care enough about him to put in a little effort. It's that I don't think he's special enough to want to look good for him.
How horrible! That's not what I want to say or who I want to be. Would I want him to do the same thing to me? Absolutely not. So why am I okay with doing that to the most important person in my life?
It is simply not respectful to the people I love when I am too damn hard-headed to admit when I'm not keeping up my end of the bargain--when I demand that someone should just love me for who I am, even when I can't do the same or wouldn't want someone to demand the same of me.
It may not seem all that revelatory on paper, but to me this realization is a pretty big deal to me. Then again, I suppose for an improvement project that's all about me, that's what counts.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Call me Farmer Caroline, thank you very much
OMG! I just found out we got a plot in the new community garden in our neighborhood. Holy Shit! I am SO excited.
It's one of my goals, you see. That list (that I just realized I still haven't published---oops) of goals I've made for myself for the next three years--a three year plan of sorts. One of these goals is that I really want to learn how to grow some of my own food (as well as preserve it). So I am just giddy over this surprising new development! I mean, this plot is like GOLD in Chicago. There aren't many community garden plots that stipulate organic gardening requirements and let you grow food. AAAAAHHHH!
Am I worried that I have NO IDEA what I'm doing? That I've never grown so much as a weed successfully? And I have to start Sunday? Nope. I'm just envisioning a large bounty of plump heirloom tomatoes and gorgeous bell peppers--maybe some herbs. OOoooh....melons....can I do melons? It's a pretty big plot...
So, even though I am nowhere near getting to the topics of "Adventure", "Recreation", or "Education", I think they just dropped into my lap. May not seem like much of an adventure to anyone else, it is to me.
So exciting!....
They probably wouldn't allow a fruit tree, right?
It's one of my goals, you see. That list (that I just realized I still haven't published---oops) of goals I've made for myself for the next three years--a three year plan of sorts. One of these goals is that I really want to learn how to grow some of my own food (as well as preserve it). So I am just giddy over this surprising new development! I mean, this plot is like GOLD in Chicago. There aren't many community garden plots that stipulate organic gardening requirements and let you grow food. AAAAAHHHH!
Am I worried that I have NO IDEA what I'm doing? That I've never grown so much as a weed successfully? And I have to start Sunday? Nope. I'm just envisioning a large bounty of plump heirloom tomatoes and gorgeous bell peppers--maybe some herbs. OOoooh....melons....can I do melons? It's a pretty big plot...
So, even though I am nowhere near getting to the topics of "Adventure", "Recreation", or "Education", I think they just dropped into my lap. May not seem like much of an adventure to anyone else, it is to me.
So exciting!....
They probably wouldn't allow a fruit tree, right?
Friday, April 22, 2011
Could I Be a Gym Person?
Confession: I joined a gym.
Hillarious as this is, it is actually not a joke.
So here is how I, "Not a Gym Person" Caroline, came to this striking act...
Step 1: I got a job, and one of the perks of this job is a steeply discounted corporate gym membership at one of the swankiest gyms in Chicago, right next door to my place of work. I still have to pay part of it, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to pay even a cent toward something that may be a complete waste of money. I loathe wasting money. Even though I am now securely employed, it gives me physical pain to waste even a dime. I honestly didn't even pay attention to this new perk, believing there was no way I would take advantage, until...
Step 2: March and April were/are MISERABLE in Chicago. I mean the worst weather ever. My genius "being active" plan of biking to work has been put on hold for far longer than I wanted. It has rained/snowed/blustered/been too cold every single weekday, so I have been unable to hop on the bike bandwagon, or do any kind of good "routine" activity that I would like. I've been itching to do something, but have been completely (and almost literally) frozen in my tracks. Then I realize, this is not going to be the last time this happens. Bad weather happens all the time. I mean, half the year in Chicago, right? So what am I going to do to solve this for the long term? AND, even if weather IS perfect...
Step 3: I realized that, umm, hello...I need a freaking shower after a bike ride! Especially since I no longer work at a place where it's okay to roll out of bed and wear sweats to work. (::Sigh::) Even when I DO carry out my brilliant biking plan, it is SO worth the money just for a place to shower. Why not kill two birds with one stone, and solve the "what do I do when it rains for week?" question AND the shower questions all in one? I can be pretty cheap, but even I see the value in the shower. And the value of the free Kiel's shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and lotion. Think of how much money I could save in shampoo! (Told you I was cheap.)
Step 4: As I have said, this is my month of Romance. Well, one of the things I have determined I need to work on in this department is my own feelings about my looks. Particularly, do I think of myself as being "sexy", and how does this relate to my sexuality? The answer is--closely. (Big surprise, I know.) So, as I will elaborate on in my next blog post, improving my view of myself is a big plus in the Romance department. Taking care of myself--doing everything I can to stay healthy and vibrant and see myself as beautiful--is part of keeping up my end of the Romance bargain. (More on that next time.)
And THAT, my friends, is how someone who loathes spending money AND gyms joined the chi-chi-iest gym in Chicago.
I'll keep you posted.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Making a Fishbowl
So, it's been a while since I've blogged. I've been doing a lot of writing, just not on the computer. It's been mostly inspirational and fun, and I'm re-learning how much more I like to write on paper vs. on computers (hence the lack of blog time). I don't know if anything will come of it, but it feels really good to just write free hand.
Also, this month has been devoted to Romance. And, though I like to be public about some things, needless to say others probably shouldn't be too publicized. But, it's going well. A little tough, since my husband has had about two and a half weeks of getting home at midnight or later due to the show he's trying to produce. But definitely making progress :)
Another big project of mine that I've been focusing on besides amore is that I've been trying to create a list of goals. I got the idea from a blog I read, and it's author is trying to do 42 goals in 42 months. It's something he tweaked from another challenge that's out on the interweb of trying to accomplish 101 goals in 1001 days. Anyway, I too am making up my own thing with a similar structure, and it's taking me a lot longer than I thought it would. I'm trying really hard to tweak it to be realistic but challenging, and considering I tend to bite of way more than I can chew on a regular basis, I want to be sure I have the right balance before starting (and publishing it here).
This takes me back to this idea of a Challenge. Why is the idea of a Challenge so intriguing to me? Well, I just saw this amazing YouTube video, and I think, in an abstract and indirect way, it explains why.
I think I need to make myself a fishbowl.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
My Marriage
My husband and I met in college. I was running a student theatre company, and he was brought on to stage manage a show I was producing (and acting in). We fell in love working together, and we've continued to always work really well together. A dream of ours is to one day own a family business or something where we can make our family unit and working lives come together. Most people find this frightening or horrific and would run in the opposite direction if told to work with their spouse, but we've always thrived this way. We practically run our household like a business, and rarely have conflicts over things like finances or household responsibilities.
Our love has always been of the "comfortable best friend" kind. At the end of the day, we simply love to talk with each other. Don't get me wrong, we argue and get mad at each other like the next couple. But there is no one in the world I would rather just sit down and talk with, and no one who I feel like understands me the same way. We just "get" each other.
So why am I choosing to focus on Romance now? Seems like we've got it pretty good, right? Well, we DO have it pretty darn good, but like everything else, it's not perfect, and Romance is what can sometime go missing in a "best friend" relationship like ours. I don't mean that we lack in intimate moments--we continue to have a sex life, even post-child. But, the main issue is just that we've been together over seven years now and are starting to get, well, routine. We know each other so well, and are so comfortable, that sometimes we get stuck in a rut. We just forget to be, well, romantic. So, yes, sometimes that bleeds into the sex life, but when it does, it's really a symptom of a larger issue. Simply put, we are running the risk of becoming romantically boring.
What can we do to remind each other that we're more than roommates with benefits, or the joint parents of a needy child, or financial partners, or the only people we can fart and pee in front of? What can we do to remind each other that we are MORE than just best friends?
Sounds bad, but sometimes we need a reminder--an Oh, yeah! We don't just love each other, we are In Love with each other!
From everything I've seen and read about relationships, you'd be hard pressed to find a surviving long-term couple that didn't stress the necessity of constantly working on their relationship. Marriages don't just stay in one place--they shift and change, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but always moving. And, often, they just need attention to make sure things are going on the right track.
So that's where I am this month. And, luckily, I have a best friend in the exact same predicament.
Our love has always been of the "comfortable best friend" kind. At the end of the day, we simply love to talk with each other. Don't get me wrong, we argue and get mad at each other like the next couple. But there is no one in the world I would rather just sit down and talk with, and no one who I feel like understands me the same way. We just "get" each other.
So why am I choosing to focus on Romance now? Seems like we've got it pretty good, right? Well, we DO have it pretty darn good, but like everything else, it's not perfect, and Romance is what can sometime go missing in a "best friend" relationship like ours. I don't mean that we lack in intimate moments--we continue to have a sex life, even post-child. But, the main issue is just that we've been together over seven years now and are starting to get, well, routine. We know each other so well, and are so comfortable, that sometimes we get stuck in a rut. We just forget to be, well, romantic. So, yes, sometimes that bleeds into the sex life, but when it does, it's really a symptom of a larger issue. Simply put, we are running the risk of becoming romantically boring.
What can we do to remind each other that we're more than roommates with benefits, or the joint parents of a needy child, or financial partners, or the only people we can fart and pee in front of? What can we do to remind each other that we are MORE than just best friends?
Sounds bad, but sometimes we need a reminder--an Oh, yeah! We don't just love each other, we are In Love with each other!
From everything I've seen and read about relationships, you'd be hard pressed to find a surviving long-term couple that didn't stress the necessity of constantly working on their relationship. Marriages don't just stay in one place--they shift and change, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but always moving. And, often, they just need attention to make sure things are going on the right track.
So that's where I am this month. And, luckily, I have a best friend in the exact same predicament.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Today, I did not fail
I know this will come as no surprise, but the truth is it has been so hard to keep myself motivated to write these past couple of weeks. And not just write, but continue my personal exploration in any way. I've reached a hump.
Part of it is that I have had way less "me" time. So when I do have it, I've been indulging in things like sleeping or reading or watching TED talks (which I have now become obsessed with).
Part of it is that I have a job now that doesn't allow me to sit and write a blog entry whenever I want.
Most of it has been that I just haven't made myself a priority. It happens when you want to be a good mom, a good wife, and a good daughter/sister/friend. When I want to be all these things, AND the most amazing employee in the world, I can put myself on the back burner a little too long.
So when a friend of ours told us he was having a birthday bash tonight at a nice restaurant and dance club, and only one of us could attend while the other stayed home with the Toddler, I happily let the hubby have the night out. It was a rare night: extrovert that I am, I'm usually raising my hand like a Hermione Granger in Charms class to "Pick Me!" to go out on a Friday night with friends, and, introvert that the hubby is, he is usually desperately avoiding any situation that someone would remotely insinuate public movement to music. But, he's been home all week with the "More-Like-A-Toddler-Every-Day" son, and I am in major need of personal time, so we did a sudden personality reversal.
In a Room of My Own
Tonight, once the Toddler was in bed, I told myself I would write. Not really to solve anything or explore anything new. Just to admit to the fact that this past month--though successful in many ways, like getting a job--has been a complete and utter failure in the "making myself a better person and figuring shit out" way.
For instance, I can't even talk about how bad I've been in the Health category. I changed jobs, and that switched some stuff up, like my commute and how nicely I have to dress (meaning I haven't been walking as much when wearing the heels and choosing not to start biking once the weather turned nice), but that can't be an excuse any longer. The change is complete. Now it's just me standing in my own way. I know when I'm making a bad decision, and I make it anyway. I know when I'm choosing to take the easy way out, and I do it anyway. When it comes to health, or self-discipline in any area, we have to make good decisions every day. We can't let up. We have to make that choice to be self-disciplined, to be better, every day.
Well, I've let up. I did not make the right decisions this past month. I kept thinking, "I can worry about it tomorrow, or when my job becomes secure, or when it's not freaking freezing outside, or when there is not cake staring me in the face." (I don't think there has been a day at my new job that has not had some unexpected free dessert show up. Cake, cupcakes, chocolates, cookies. EVERY DAY. I think I've gained ten pounds in two weeks.)
So today is my confessional. I dropped the Caroline ball. I kept the mom ball up, the wife ball (mostly) up, the worker ball soaring, the daughter/sister ball moving in the right direction, and the friend ball going steady. The Caroline ball is lying flat on the floor, deflated.
I failed. And it feels surprisingly good to have that off my chest.
Maybe, through this confessional, I can give myself hope that I can be renewed. That I can regenerate that lost motivation. By finally sitting down, just me and a laptop, I can admit my faults to myself, forgive myself, and maybe become a better person for it.
Today, maybe I made the right decision: I wrote. I can pick that ball up again, and inflate it. That way tomorrow, when I have to make the decision again, I can finally get it back up in the air.
Part of it is that I have had way less "me" time. So when I do have it, I've been indulging in things like sleeping or reading or watching TED talks (which I have now become obsessed with).
Part of it is that I have a job now that doesn't allow me to sit and write a blog entry whenever I want.
Most of it has been that I just haven't made myself a priority. It happens when you want to be a good mom, a good wife, and a good daughter/sister/friend. When I want to be all these things, AND the most amazing employee in the world, I can put myself on the back burner a little too long.
So when a friend of ours told us he was having a birthday bash tonight at a nice restaurant and dance club, and only one of us could attend while the other stayed home with the Toddler, I happily let the hubby have the night out. It was a rare night: extrovert that I am, I'm usually raising my hand like a Hermione Granger in Charms class to "Pick Me!" to go out on a Friday night with friends, and, introvert that the hubby is, he is usually desperately avoiding any situation that someone would remotely insinuate public movement to music. But, he's been home all week with the "More-Like-A-Toddler-Every-Day" son, and I am in major need of personal time, so we did a sudden personality reversal.
In a Room of My Own
Tonight, once the Toddler was in bed, I told myself I would write. Not really to solve anything or explore anything new. Just to admit to the fact that this past month--though successful in many ways, like getting a job--has been a complete and utter failure in the "making myself a better person and figuring shit out" way.
For instance, I can't even talk about how bad I've been in the Health category. I changed jobs, and that switched some stuff up, like my commute and how nicely I have to dress (meaning I haven't been walking as much when wearing the heels and choosing not to start biking once the weather turned nice), but that can't be an excuse any longer. The change is complete. Now it's just me standing in my own way. I know when I'm making a bad decision, and I make it anyway. I know when I'm choosing to take the easy way out, and I do it anyway. When it comes to health, or self-discipline in any area, we have to make good decisions every day. We can't let up. We have to make that choice to be self-disciplined, to be better, every day.
Well, I've let up. I did not make the right decisions this past month. I kept thinking, "I can worry about it tomorrow, or when my job becomes secure, or when it's not freaking freezing outside, or when there is not cake staring me in the face." (I don't think there has been a day at my new job that has not had some unexpected free dessert show up. Cake, cupcakes, chocolates, cookies. EVERY DAY. I think I've gained ten pounds in two weeks.)
So today is my confessional. I dropped the Caroline ball. I kept the mom ball up, the wife ball (mostly) up, the worker ball soaring, the daughter/sister ball moving in the right direction, and the friend ball going steady. The Caroline ball is lying flat on the floor, deflated.
I failed. And it feels surprisingly good to have that off my chest.
Maybe, through this confessional, I can give myself hope that I can be renewed. That I can regenerate that lost motivation. By finally sitting down, just me and a laptop, I can admit my faults to myself, forgive myself, and maybe become a better person for it.
Today, maybe I made the right decision: I wrote. I can pick that ball up again, and inflate it. That way tomorrow, when I have to make the decision again, I can finally get it back up in the air.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Career Wrap Up....if you can call it that
Well, my first week at the new job has been FANTASTIC. The man I'm assisting is awesome, we seem to work well together, and he told me once already that he was impressed. Score! I think it's going to be great.
But here comes the real question: where does it get me? Am I on a career trajectory that will pay off ten years from now? One might think that taking a job as an "Office Manager/Executive Assistant" may not be a clear and defined path on the way to riches and stability, so I feel the need to explain a few lessons I've learned in my first six/seven years of post-graduate working adult life (and therefore why this job is the perfect job for me)...
A) I never intend to be "rich," and I'm totally okay with that. I'm better than okay with it, it's what I want. If I had a passion or "calling" that led me to a life of wealth, great. But right now I don't. If I wanted wealth badly enough, I have no doubt that I could be successful in any number of fields that would lead to it. But I don't. I don't want to spend my life making money, I want to spend my life living.
B) The things I am passionate about are not things that will make me money. Period. They are writing, theatre, knitting, food, continual learning, sustainable homesteading, and reading. So if I can't make money doing what I love, then I need to have a job that leaves me ample time, energy, and opportunity to do what I love on the side. That means low on the stress level, not much overtime, a pleasant place to be, a place where I might be able to network or make connections related to my hobbies, good enough pay and benefits so I don't have to worry, and a place that is easy to leave behind and not think about too much when I'm not there.
When I went into this job search, I thought about the movie Sabrina (random I know, but go with it). In it, Sabrina's father is the chauffeur for an insanely wealthy family, we're talking the kind of wealth that's like modern day royalty. Sabrina and her father lived in a small servant's apartment on the estate, their apartment stacked high with books in every nook and cranny (her father was a passionate reader). She grew up in the shadow of all this wealth, never feeling like she could be part of their elite society. Toward the end of the movie, she finds out that her father, just a lowly servant, is actually a multimillionaire. Stunned, she can't understand why he ever chose to stay as the chauffeur once he gained enough wealth to be free and do something else with his life. He simply says, "It gave me something to do and the opportunity to read my books. I am happy here. Why would I ever leave it?" (I'm quoting from memory--I'm sure I got the words wrong but you get the picture.)
That's what I want.
C) I need to worry less about the future. While temping, I was forced to live "in the moment"--my job could vanish, I could be temping somewhere else the next day, I could get another job--anything could happen and the future was completely up in the air. I was so much happier. I wasn't worrying so much about the future because I felt (pretty rightly) like I had no control over it. I was making ends meet today, and I was working on stabilizing tomorrow but it was mostly out of my hands.
I'm not saying I'm going to start completely disregarding the future, like not saving for retirement or something stupid like that, but I do think I've thought WAY too much about the uncontrollable future in a way that is unhealthy. I can't control the future--and worrying about it is just one way of trying to control it. Will my job exist in five years? Will I still be happy in my current career? Will I be skinny or fat? Will I have gray hair? Will I have hit the lottery and not need to work ever again? Will I even be alive? Who the fuck knows! I can't worry about that. I need to be about today. Am I happy today? That answer is what matters most.
D) I don't need to have it all figured out, because I will never figure it all out. A career is not a destination, and it doesn't even have to be the thing that determines the nature of the journey. The rest of my life can pick the path, and the career can conform to what I need it to be. I'm going to be trying to figure out this life for the duration of it--I might as well be comfortable and happy while doing it.
-----
I'm not exaggerating when I say that I think I've found the perfect job. I wouldn't let myself hope in the beginning, but every day I've grown more and more excited that this may work out and actually be all that I hoped it would be. There are a few more "tests" this job needs to pass (mainly a stress test--what will it be like when everyone is crazy stressed out and the pressure is on?), but so far all the indicators are moving in the right direction.
With that said, I think I can safely put career on the back burner. Though I may not have written about all my thoughts and revelations, I can definitively say this has been a very insightful and productive month. I never dreamed I would leave this topic with an actual job, let alone one that may be everything I wished for. I feel like I should go play the lottery or something.
Next, I have to tackle Spirituality. Shit.
But here comes the real question: where does it get me? Am I on a career trajectory that will pay off ten years from now? One might think that taking a job as an "Office Manager/Executive Assistant" may not be a clear and defined path on the way to riches and stability, so I feel the need to explain a few lessons I've learned in my first six/seven years of post-graduate working adult life (and therefore why this job is the perfect job for me)...
A) I never intend to be "rich," and I'm totally okay with that. I'm better than okay with it, it's what I want. If I had a passion or "calling" that led me to a life of wealth, great. But right now I don't. If I wanted wealth badly enough, I have no doubt that I could be successful in any number of fields that would lead to it. But I don't. I don't want to spend my life making money, I want to spend my life living.
B) The things I am passionate about are not things that will make me money. Period. They are writing, theatre, knitting, food, continual learning, sustainable homesteading, and reading. So if I can't make money doing what I love, then I need to have a job that leaves me ample time, energy, and opportunity to do what I love on the side. That means low on the stress level, not much overtime, a pleasant place to be, a place where I might be able to network or make connections related to my hobbies, good enough pay and benefits so I don't have to worry, and a place that is easy to leave behind and not think about too much when I'm not there.
When I went into this job search, I thought about the movie Sabrina (random I know, but go with it). In it, Sabrina's father is the chauffeur for an insanely wealthy family, we're talking the kind of wealth that's like modern day royalty. Sabrina and her father lived in a small servant's apartment on the estate, their apartment stacked high with books in every nook and cranny (her father was a passionate reader). She grew up in the shadow of all this wealth, never feeling like she could be part of their elite society. Toward the end of the movie, she finds out that her father, just a lowly servant, is actually a multimillionaire. Stunned, she can't understand why he ever chose to stay as the chauffeur once he gained enough wealth to be free and do something else with his life. He simply says, "It gave me something to do and the opportunity to read my books. I am happy here. Why would I ever leave it?" (I'm quoting from memory--I'm sure I got the words wrong but you get the picture.)
That's what I want.
C) I need to worry less about the future. While temping, I was forced to live "in the moment"--my job could vanish, I could be temping somewhere else the next day, I could get another job--anything could happen and the future was completely up in the air. I was so much happier. I wasn't worrying so much about the future because I felt (pretty rightly) like I had no control over it. I was making ends meet today, and I was working on stabilizing tomorrow but it was mostly out of my hands.
I'm not saying I'm going to start completely disregarding the future, like not saving for retirement or something stupid like that, but I do think I've thought WAY too much about the uncontrollable future in a way that is unhealthy. I can't control the future--and worrying about it is just one way of trying to control it. Will my job exist in five years? Will I still be happy in my current career? Will I be skinny or fat? Will I have gray hair? Will I have hit the lottery and not need to work ever again? Will I even be alive? Who the fuck knows! I can't worry about that. I need to be about today. Am I happy today? That answer is what matters most.
D) I don't need to have it all figured out, because I will never figure it all out. A career is not a destination, and it doesn't even have to be the thing that determines the nature of the journey. The rest of my life can pick the path, and the career can conform to what I need it to be. I'm going to be trying to figure out this life for the duration of it--I might as well be comfortable and happy while doing it.
-----
I'm not exaggerating when I say that I think I've found the perfect job. I wouldn't let myself hope in the beginning, but every day I've grown more and more excited that this may work out and actually be all that I hoped it would be. There are a few more "tests" this job needs to pass (mainly a stress test--what will it be like when everyone is crazy stressed out and the pressure is on?), but so far all the indicators are moving in the right direction.
With that said, I think I can safely put career on the back burner. Though I may not have written about all my thoughts and revelations, I can definitively say this has been a very insightful and productive month. I never dreamed I would leave this topic with an actual job, let alone one that may be everything I wished for. I feel like I should go play the lottery or something.
Next, I have to tackle Spirituality. Shit.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Dear Blog, I'm Sorry.
Dear Blog,
Sorry I've neglected you. I've been a bad writer, to be sure, but I was busy! Well, mostly busy. I also really just wanted to spend some of my free time reading. And, I've had WAY less free time than normal, and very little energy, so reading won. Sorry.
So, last time I wrote, I had gotten that weird call about getting a job. Remember?
And then Oliver got his first fever. That's right, 18 months and 10 days without ever getting sick. I don't know how I lucked out. But, that also meant that I got my first freak out session of mommyhood. Pitiful, I know. It was just 101.9, and he was pretty much just cranky for a night and tired for the next day, and that was it. But still. It was Mommy's first fever, and I indulged a little in the fear. Lost a little sleep, not because of him--he didn't wake up once in the middle of the night--just me being silly.
But that led into a random bout of insomnia that the hubby and I both couldn't get ourselves out of. I blame mine on nerves for the new job and the catalyst fever. He has no excuse except a cynical desire to make me lose more sleep. I know, I know...you think insomnia means I should have spent more time with you, Blog. But, computers make my insomnia worse. You understand, right?
Then I had my first two days of training at the new job. I was told to dress nice because there was a board meeting that day. So that was two nights of trying on every article of clothing I own to see what I could come up with. I did well, don't worry Blog, but it was harder than you might think.
So I spent the next weekend shopping. But my time away from you was not for nothing. Oh Blog, I looked goooood. I discovered the power and glory of the thrift store. $100 got me a whole wardrobe. An awesome wardrobe.
But, Blog, I can't even tell you. I had the most awkward two days of training at the new job with the guy I was replacing. Did I mention he had been fired? Yeah. I wish I had started counting the number of times he said, thinking he was lightening the mood by joking, "Now, my job here is--oh--I mean YOUR job...." And then he would laugh at his own joke. He thought he was breaking the tension. I thought he was unhinged. Feel for me, Blog. Feel for me. It was a rough couple of days.
Thankfully, Unhinged Man was the only person I met that I didn't like. The office seems great, the people fantastic, the work easy, and I even got to help out the Chair of the Board with his iPhone. I should probably mention that the Chair of the Board is the President Emeritus of an Ivy League school, and I don't even have an iPhone. I couldn't figure out his problem so I told him to just re-forward the lost email so it showed up in his inbox again. He was impressed and told me I was creative. Oh old people and technology, it's so easy to impress them. Still, made my first two awkward days just a little bit better.
And, I found out the best perk ever with my new job: I get a cake on my birthday. Not just any cake--no cakes from the supermarket with just a choice of yellow or chocolate. Super luxurious rich people cake from a fancy bakery. We're talking almond butter cake with creme brulee filling and chocolate glace. And everyone in the office gets one! That's like a cake a month! I swear I'll save some for you, Blog.
After those two days in the new office, I had to deflate back to my old temp job for just one more week to "train" my replacement. I walked in to find out my boss had been laid off. Whoa. Turns out the other guy in the office who also just sat around and did nothing actually new his shit, and he took over. He delegated. That meant I had work to do, and no time for Blogging :( Thankfully, it was the last week. As I soon learned, I would have hated that job if there was actual work to be done. R.I.P Dead-End Job. R.I.P
As luck would have it, the hubby got sick that week. Please note, he has not been sick for the seven years we've been together. That's right. Outside of two rare and short-lived evenings of food poisoning, he's never been sick. Not a cold, nothing. (Guess we know where the Toddler gets it from.) Needless to say, he needed some attention. Attention I could not spare you, oh Blog. But he is on the mend.
I must confess. I did have a little time I could have spent with you and I didn't. I must apologize. I just didn't know where to begin. So much in just two weeks! But I'm back, so don't worry. I will not be negligent any more. And, please know, if I fall off the radar for a few days, I will be back! And with a whole lot of news to boot.
Yours truly,
Caroline, 29
P.S.--Guess it's time to wrap up the Month O' Careers, eh? Maybe tomorrow?
Sorry I've neglected you. I've been a bad writer, to be sure, but I was busy! Well, mostly busy. I also really just wanted to spend some of my free time reading. And, I've had WAY less free time than normal, and very little energy, so reading won. Sorry.
So, last time I wrote, I had gotten that weird call about getting a job. Remember?
And then Oliver got his first fever. That's right, 18 months and 10 days without ever getting sick. I don't know how I lucked out. But, that also meant that I got my first freak out session of mommyhood. Pitiful, I know. It was just 101.9, and he was pretty much just cranky for a night and tired for the next day, and that was it. But still. It was Mommy's first fever, and I indulged a little in the fear. Lost a little sleep, not because of him--he didn't wake up once in the middle of the night--just me being silly.
But that led into a random bout of insomnia that the hubby and I both couldn't get ourselves out of. I blame mine on nerves for the new job and the catalyst fever. He has no excuse except a cynical desire to make me lose more sleep. I know, I know...you think insomnia means I should have spent more time with you, Blog. But, computers make my insomnia worse. You understand, right?
Then I had my first two days of training at the new job. I was told to dress nice because there was a board meeting that day. So that was two nights of trying on every article of clothing I own to see what I could come up with. I did well, don't worry Blog, but it was harder than you might think.
So I spent the next weekend shopping. But my time away from you was not for nothing. Oh Blog, I looked goooood. I discovered the power and glory of the thrift store. $100 got me a whole wardrobe. An awesome wardrobe.
But, Blog, I can't even tell you. I had the most awkward two days of training at the new job with the guy I was replacing. Did I mention he had been fired? Yeah. I wish I had started counting the number of times he said, thinking he was lightening the mood by joking, "Now, my job here is--oh--I mean YOUR job...." And then he would laugh at his own joke. He thought he was breaking the tension. I thought he was unhinged. Feel for me, Blog. Feel for me. It was a rough couple of days.
Thankfully, Unhinged Man was the only person I met that I didn't like. The office seems great, the people fantastic, the work easy, and I even got to help out the Chair of the Board with his iPhone. I should probably mention that the Chair of the Board is the President Emeritus of an Ivy League school, and I don't even have an iPhone. I couldn't figure out his problem so I told him to just re-forward the lost email so it showed up in his inbox again. He was impressed and told me I was creative. Oh old people and technology, it's so easy to impress them. Still, made my first two awkward days just a little bit better.
And, I found out the best perk ever with my new job: I get a cake on my birthday. Not just any cake--no cakes from the supermarket with just a choice of yellow or chocolate. Super luxurious rich people cake from a fancy bakery. We're talking almond butter cake with creme brulee filling and chocolate glace. And everyone in the office gets one! That's like a cake a month! I swear I'll save some for you, Blog.
After those two days in the new office, I had to deflate back to my old temp job for just one more week to "train" my replacement. I walked in to find out my boss had been laid off. Whoa. Turns out the other guy in the office who also just sat around and did nothing actually new his shit, and he took over. He delegated. That meant I had work to do, and no time for Blogging :( Thankfully, it was the last week. As I soon learned, I would have hated that job if there was actual work to be done. R.I.P Dead-End Job. R.I.P
As luck would have it, the hubby got sick that week. Please note, he has not been sick for the seven years we've been together. That's right. Outside of two rare and short-lived evenings of food poisoning, he's never been sick. Not a cold, nothing. (Guess we know where the Toddler gets it from.) Needless to say, he needed some attention. Attention I could not spare you, oh Blog. But he is on the mend.
I must confess. I did have a little time I could have spent with you and I didn't. I must apologize. I just didn't know where to begin. So much in just two weeks! But I'm back, so don't worry. I will not be negligent any more. And, please know, if I fall off the radar for a few days, I will be back! And with a whole lot of news to boot.
Yours truly,
Caroline, 29
P.S.--Guess it's time to wrap up the Month O' Careers, eh? Maybe tomorrow?
Monday, February 21, 2011
Seriously??
They want to hire me.
That means I have a job.
For real.
It really hasn't sunk in yet.
I won't let it sink in either. The job is coming with conditions, so I'm really wary of letting myself get too excited yet.
They want me to start Thursday. As in three days from now. But, there's a catch: it's temp-to-perm. I have to audition first before they'll hire me on full-time. So, I'm not breaking open the champagne yet, but I will definitely indulge in a margarita.
Still, I'm a good worker. All my past employers have loved me, even (randomly) the person I'm assisting right now. She told me today she wished she had had me starting two years ago. Really? I sit around and with nothing to do all day, but I do it better than most people? Okay. Whatever.
Honestly, I'm kind of glad it's temp-to-perm. The man I will be assisting claims he is a huge diva and a difficult personality. He told me he thinks he's Meryl Streep in The Devel Wears Prada. From what I gather, he's not actually this way (like, in the fact that he has the sense of humor to say that about himself), but with temp-to-perm, at least it's easier for me to walk away if he is.
I'm actually expecting us to get along really well. We clicked in the interview, and it seemed like we would get along. Everyone else in the office told me (in my previous interviews) that they just laugh at his Prada analogy--he's actually really sweet, just a bit....well...gay. And picky.
I can deal with gay, picky divas. Did I mention I come from a theatre background?
As long as he doesn't demean me or assume I lack intelligence, I can handle pretty much anything. It seems like he just wants someone smart.
I can do smart.
But I'm not counting my chickens. I'm trying to see if I can get my interview at Northwestern moved to the following week. Hedging my bets. Just in case.
That means I have a job.
For real.
It really hasn't sunk in yet.
I won't let it sink in either. The job is coming with conditions, so I'm really wary of letting myself get too excited yet.
They want me to start Thursday. As in three days from now. But, there's a catch: it's temp-to-perm. I have to audition first before they'll hire me on full-time. So, I'm not breaking open the champagne yet, but I will definitely indulge in a margarita.
Still, I'm a good worker. All my past employers have loved me, even (randomly) the person I'm assisting right now. She told me today she wished she had had me starting two years ago. Really? I sit around and with nothing to do all day, but I do it better than most people? Okay. Whatever.
Honestly, I'm kind of glad it's temp-to-perm. The man I will be assisting claims he is a huge diva and a difficult personality. He told me he thinks he's Meryl Streep in The Devel Wears Prada. From what I gather, he's not actually this way (like, in the fact that he has the sense of humor to say that about himself), but with temp-to-perm, at least it's easier for me to walk away if he is.
I'm actually expecting us to get along really well. We clicked in the interview, and it seemed like we would get along. Everyone else in the office told me (in my previous interviews) that they just laugh at his Prada analogy--he's actually really sweet, just a bit....well...gay. And picky.
I can deal with gay, picky divas. Did I mention I come from a theatre background?
As long as he doesn't demean me or assume I lack intelligence, I can handle pretty much anything. It seems like he just wants someone smart.
I can do smart.
But I'm not counting my chickens. I'm trying to see if I can get my interview at Northwestern moved to the following week. Hedging my bets. Just in case.
Strange and Exciting Start to the Week
Last week, I mentioned a job for which I went through three interviews that I did not get. They loved me, they said they were really torn between me and another guy, and the reason they didn't choose me was that my title led them to believe that I would not be content taking a "step down" to an Assistant position coming from a Director position. This job became known as "The One That Got Away," which I laughingly referred to it as with the staffing agency that sent my name in for the job. It seemed so perfect--it was in the arts, the people seemed really great, it had great pay and benefits, they were about to move into a gorgeous Michigan Avenue office, and I might have gotten the chance to travel to France on the rare occasion--HOW PERFECT IS THAT. And yet chance just did not work in my favor.
Well...I got an interesting email yesterday afternoon from my staffing agency.
The guy they hired apparently is having to leave at the end of the week to go take care of his sick mother. There are a lot of details I don't know, and that the staffing agency didn't know, but they were going to talk it over with the company today and see if they wanted to just go with me since I'm still available. Though I hate the idea of good things coming to me because someone else is suffering, I can't help but get excited. Could I really get this job after all this time? Could "The One That Got Away" really come back so easily? I have to stop getting my hopes up too high.
I did not sleep well last night.
And, to make things even better, after I got into work this morning and settled down at my desk to do nothing but listen to all my stockpile of weekend NPR shows, I got another email. One of the college jobs I applied to at Northwestern got back to me. They want an interview next week :)
Well...I got an interesting email yesterday afternoon from my staffing agency.
The guy they hired apparently is having to leave at the end of the week to go take care of his sick mother. There are a lot of details I don't know, and that the staffing agency didn't know, but they were going to talk it over with the company today and see if they wanted to just go with me since I'm still available. Though I hate the idea of good things coming to me because someone else is suffering, I can't help but get excited. Could I really get this job after all this time? Could "The One That Got Away" really come back so easily? I have to stop getting my hopes up too high.
I did not sleep well last night.
And, to make things even better, after I got into work this morning and settled down at my desk to do nothing but listen to all my stockpile of weekend NPR shows, I got another email. One of the college jobs I applied to at Northwestern got back to me. They want an interview next week :)
Friday, February 18, 2011
The Job Search: Challenges
I admit, I haven't been nearly as diligent about job searching as I should have been. I was REALLY good about it for a while, treating it like a full-time job, and then when I found out my temp job would be going on through the end of March, I got a little lazy. I still did some searching, still applied to jobs here and there, but I wasn't making it an every day, number one top priority.
That changed this week. I am making it the first thing I do every day. I am setting clear goals and plans to get over my particular challenges in this job market. I am going to make it happen.
So first, what challenges do I KNOW I face?
1) This job market sucks. The shear number of people applying for jobs that are posted online is so astronomical, I think the chance of getting a cover letter and resume read is really slim. How do I work around this?
2) My work experience is in Arts Administration. How do I convince employers in other industries that my work and skills are transferable without sounding delusional or desperate? How many people are not even looking at my cover letter or choosing to throw me in the No pile simply because I am coming from the arts?
3) My last job title was Director of Educational Programming at a theatre. As I mentioned yesterday, I am not in any way qualified to be a Director of Educational Programming in any other setting than the one I happened to fall into, except maybe theatre (which doesn't matter because the chance of that job opening up at a theatre in this economy is probably worse than winning the lottery). Will it look like I'm wishy-washy, or don't know what I want, if I apply for a job that doesn't look like it resembles my last one?
4) I've been "unemployed" for almost 7 months now. I mean, not really, I've been temping. But employers now are being really adamant about showing a "stable" work history. Though my last job was definitely stable, and I am most certainly looking for a stable, long-term position, will my current temping look really bad on paper?
5) My "presentation" could use a little work. What do I mean by this? Well, frankly, I mean my looks. As I have been living on the super cheap lately, that means I have not spent a dime--and I mean a dime--on clothes, hair, or makeup in a loooong time. The clothes that I do have are starting to look more and more worn, my hair "style" no longer deserves that name, and the only makeup I currently own is between five and fifteen years old (since I never wear it, it just sticks around collecting dust--whatevs). To those who have known me a long time, this comes as no surprise I'm sure. Maybe an eye-rolling (yet lovable?) "Oh Caroline" may be sighed for me as you read this. I've never been good about caring about whether or not my pants end up in shreds on the bottom because I never got them hemmed. Fashion is just that thing that alludes me--something that came much more naturally when I was younger than it does now, when looking put-together and professional didn't matter nearly as much as looking cool and casual.
No, I have hit an all-time low in all things "looks" related. And, though I hate to admit it, looks matter when trying to get a job. Not so much looking cute or sexy, but looking ready for work--looking like an ideal worker on the outside (organized, competent, professional). I've never looked this way in my whole life! ::Sigh:: Before my next interview, I'm going to have to do a little personal make-over. Most women would probably squeal with delight at the thought, but it just intimidates the shit out of me. I feel like I need a consultant. I'm seriously about to turn myself in to Stacy and Clinton.
That changed this week. I am making it the first thing I do every day. I am setting clear goals and plans to get over my particular challenges in this job market. I am going to make it happen.
So first, what challenges do I KNOW I face?
1) This job market sucks. The shear number of people applying for jobs that are posted online is so astronomical, I think the chance of getting a cover letter and resume read is really slim. How do I work around this?
2) My work experience is in Arts Administration. How do I convince employers in other industries that my work and skills are transferable without sounding delusional or desperate? How many people are not even looking at my cover letter or choosing to throw me in the No pile simply because I am coming from the arts?
3) My last job title was Director of Educational Programming at a theatre. As I mentioned yesterday, I am not in any way qualified to be a Director of Educational Programming in any other setting than the one I happened to fall into, except maybe theatre (which doesn't matter because the chance of that job opening up at a theatre in this economy is probably worse than winning the lottery). Will it look like I'm wishy-washy, or don't know what I want, if I apply for a job that doesn't look like it resembles my last one?
4) I've been "unemployed" for almost 7 months now. I mean, not really, I've been temping. But employers now are being really adamant about showing a "stable" work history. Though my last job was definitely stable, and I am most certainly looking for a stable, long-term position, will my current temping look really bad on paper?
5) My "presentation" could use a little work. What do I mean by this? Well, frankly, I mean my looks. As I have been living on the super cheap lately, that means I have not spent a dime--and I mean a dime--on clothes, hair, or makeup in a loooong time. The clothes that I do have are starting to look more and more worn, my hair "style" no longer deserves that name, and the only makeup I currently own is between five and fifteen years old (since I never wear it, it just sticks around collecting dust--whatevs). To those who have known me a long time, this comes as no surprise I'm sure. Maybe an eye-rolling (yet lovable?) "Oh Caroline" may be sighed for me as you read this. I've never been good about caring about whether or not my pants end up in shreds on the bottom because I never got them hemmed. Fashion is just that thing that alludes me--something that came much more naturally when I was younger than it does now, when looking put-together and professional didn't matter nearly as much as looking cool and casual.
No, I have hit an all-time low in all things "looks" related. And, though I hate to admit it, looks matter when trying to get a job. Not so much looking cute or sexy, but looking ready for work--looking like an ideal worker on the outside (organized, competent, professional). I've never looked this way in my whole life! ::Sigh:: Before my next interview, I'm going to have to do a little personal make-over. Most women would probably squeal with delight at the thought, but it just intimidates the shit out of me. I feel like I need a consultant. I'm seriously about to turn myself in to Stacy and Clinton.
Oh, How Sadly True....
Oh The Places You'll Actually Go
Disappointment with the real world. It never ends, does it?
Disappointment with the real world. It never ends, does it?
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Colleges and Universities
One career trajectory I've been thinking of is working for the administration at a college or university. The more I think about it, the more I think it would fit my situation really well right now. Here are some reasons I think I might enjoy it....
1) Good pay + excellent benefits + stable industry + room for growth = YES PLEASE
2) Since I believe I will want to one day own my own business, I can take advantage of tuition discounts and classes that I think might be helpful for my future plans.
3) I like to learn. I'm not necessarily a good "traditional" learner and never really felt like I fit in with academia, but I like academic people a lot. I would love to be around people who value education and continual learning. People probably wouldn't think I was off my rocker if I wanted to take a diversity of classes out of curiosity, they just might think I'm a little weird if it didn't lead to a specific degree or certification. I'm cool with that.
4) There is a lot of opportunity for movement within the same organization but for different career objectives. For instance, if I decide in two years that I really want to go more into the business end of things, I can transfer to a financial office or to a business school. If I decide I desperately miss the arts, I can move into an arts department. If I want to network for a next job, I can start helping with alumni relations or events.
5) My most recent job title was as a Director of Educational Programming. T'ain't too many industries I can find a job in where this title a) makes sense, b) wouldn't turn people off or put me directly into a "No" pile, and c) would be respected and get me a pretty decent job. But at a college--it could be golden.
Context: I probably going to have to take a "step down" in title (which is realistically the only thing I am qualified to do). The problem with my old title is that, in any context other than the one I just came from, I would never be qualified for a job with the same title (unless we are talking about specific theatre jobs that there are maybe ten or twenty of in the whole United States...not holding my breath for these)--I'm just completely unqualified for what this title implies I'm qualified to do in another industry. I can't create curriculum, I have little teaching experience, and I don't have an education background. I was an administrator, plain and simple--a human resources generalist/office manager/marketing director/event planner/master scheduler/trash emptier. Essentially, I was an Specialized Office Manager. The result- most employers assume I'm way overqualified for jobs that are actually right on the money for me. For instance, I made it through three interviews at one job that boiled down to me and one other candidate. When they couldn't make up their mind, they went with the other person because they had the same title in their previous job (an "assistant" position), and they thought since I was coming from being a "Director" I would keep looking for a job until I got another "Director" position and wouldn't be content with something titled "Assistant". Keep in mind that this job was in the arts, was essentially the same job I came from, paid a full third more than my last job and had better benefits. Do I care about the freaking title? NO. But, it seems employers do. I'm hoping that a college or university would be willing to see this as an asset, and understand that moving around to a different job in a similar industry isn't crazy, but normal.
6) There tends to be a lot of turn-over, and therefore a lot of new jobs opening up. Chances seem pretty good (relative to the arts anyway).
So that's the idea. I started applying to some of these jobs this week, and I'm going to continue to apply to basically every college job in the Chicago area for which I'm qualified. I'm hoping to have the bulk of that done within a week, and then just have the regular check-in after that. Once I get a firm end date for this temp job, I'm going to try and get some temp work at a university as well (apparently they all have temp departments now that also do temp-to-hire work). Maybe that can get me some connections and a foot in the door?
After that slew of applications, there is one other industry I think I'm going to also concentrate my efforts on after, but more on that tomorrow :)
1) Good pay + excellent benefits + stable industry + room for growth = YES PLEASE
2) Since I believe I will want to one day own my own business, I can take advantage of tuition discounts and classes that I think might be helpful for my future plans.
3) I like to learn. I'm not necessarily a good "traditional" learner and never really felt like I fit in with academia, but I like academic people a lot. I would love to be around people who value education and continual learning. People probably wouldn't think I was off my rocker if I wanted to take a diversity of classes out of curiosity, they just might think I'm a little weird if it didn't lead to a specific degree or certification. I'm cool with that.
4) There is a lot of opportunity for movement within the same organization but for different career objectives. For instance, if I decide in two years that I really want to go more into the business end of things, I can transfer to a financial office or to a business school. If I decide I desperately miss the arts, I can move into an arts department. If I want to network for a next job, I can start helping with alumni relations or events.
5) My most recent job title was as a Director of Educational Programming. T'ain't too many industries I can find a job in where this title a) makes sense, b) wouldn't turn people off or put me directly into a "No" pile, and c) would be respected and get me a pretty decent job. But at a college--it could be golden.
Context: I probably going to have to take a "step down" in title (which is realistically the only thing I am qualified to do). The problem with my old title is that, in any context other than the one I just came from, I would never be qualified for a job with the same title (unless we are talking about specific theatre jobs that there are maybe ten or twenty of in the whole United States...not holding my breath for these)--I'm just completely unqualified for what this title implies I'm qualified to do in another industry. I can't create curriculum, I have little teaching experience, and I don't have an education background. I was an administrator, plain and simple--a human resources generalist/office manager/marketing director/event planner/master scheduler/trash emptier. Essentially, I was an Specialized Office Manager. The result- most employers assume I'm way overqualified for jobs that are actually right on the money for me. For instance, I made it through three interviews at one job that boiled down to me and one other candidate. When they couldn't make up their mind, they went with the other person because they had the same title in their previous job (an "assistant" position), and they thought since I was coming from being a "Director" I would keep looking for a job until I got another "Director" position and wouldn't be content with something titled "Assistant". Keep in mind that this job was in the arts, was essentially the same job I came from, paid a full third more than my last job and had better benefits. Do I care about the freaking title? NO. But, it seems employers do. I'm hoping that a college or university would be willing to see this as an asset, and understand that moving around to a different job in a similar industry isn't crazy, but normal.
6) There tends to be a lot of turn-over, and therefore a lot of new jobs opening up. Chances seem pretty good (relative to the arts anyway).
So that's the idea. I started applying to some of these jobs this week, and I'm going to continue to apply to basically every college job in the Chicago area for which I'm qualified. I'm hoping to have the bulk of that done within a week, and then just have the regular check-in after that. Once I get a firm end date for this temp job, I'm going to try and get some temp work at a university as well (apparently they all have temp departments now that also do temp-to-hire work). Maybe that can get me some connections and a foot in the door?
After that slew of applications, there is one other industry I think I'm going to also concentrate my efforts on after, but more on that tomorrow :)
Monday, February 14, 2011
Job Searching
O, job searching. It just makes me want to sigh. Clearly, I can't stay in my Dead-End Job forever, nor do I want to. I know full well that the only reason I am enjoying myself now is because I feel like I'm on a vacation, and even I don't want to be on vacation forever.
Also, Dead-End Job or not, I believe that (when using a rather liberal definition of work) pretty much everyone wants to work: whether it's through a traditional job or hobbies or charity work or raising kids, people need to feel useful and productive. I know I do.
That, and the job's ending in six weeks.
Thankfully I have been using this respite from the real world to my advantage, and looking long and hard at what I want my new career trajectory to be. It's very difficult for someone like me to figure out what I want to do for a second career. (Yes, I am 29 and starting a second career. Doesn't seem right, does it?) I've gotten over the fear of the unknown and the vast quantity of directions in which I can go (mostly by looking so hard I realize I don't actually have THAT many directions), but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. After the fear, it just became "Hmph. Now what?"
"Now What?" has turned into a lot of career books and online advice and research. I'm not there yet, but I have come up with these two tidbits so far.
1) I eventually want to work for myself, just not yet. I know that I probably will not feel like I've lived my life completely unless I have started my own business (or non-profit). I'm just not there yet. Not only do I not have enough experience or capital to start any kind of endeavor now, I also haven't settled on what it will be. I have a running list of options, and each day it feels like I place a different one at the top of the list. Until there is one that firmly sets itself as the obvious choice for a long stretch of time, I don't want to dive into something that monetarily or emotionally costly. I think I can safely say that I probably won't be at this point for at least another five years. Until then, I would like a job that doesn't suck and pays me enough to be able to save for said future endeavor.
2) I need something I like enough to stay put and be content if the going gets tough. I really know too many people who got stuck in a job. Out of sheer dumb luck, they got stuck with a sick family member, an oopsy-daisy baby or two, a boatload of debt, or a costly house repair. Even though they had all kinds of dreamy plans, those got shelved for the practical needs of putting food on the table, paying the medical bills, and staying on top of the mortgage. I would love to think that there is no way my life could ever go in such a direction, but I also think it's best to play it safe for the just-in-cases in life. I want whatever trajectory I'm on to be a tract I can stay on if the shit goes down and I can't be mobile in my career anymore. And that means a kind of work I am content in. Maybe my new business will be just a side hobby for a while, but at least my children won't go hungry.
Hopefully more revelations will be coming soon...
Also, Dead-End Job or not, I believe that (when using a rather liberal definition of work) pretty much everyone wants to work: whether it's through a traditional job or hobbies or charity work or raising kids, people need to feel useful and productive. I know I do.
That, and the job's ending in six weeks.
Thankfully I have been using this respite from the real world to my advantage, and looking long and hard at what I want my new career trajectory to be. It's very difficult for someone like me to figure out what I want to do for a second career. (Yes, I am 29 and starting a second career. Doesn't seem right, does it?) I've gotten over the fear of the unknown and the vast quantity of directions in which I can go (mostly by looking so hard I realize I don't actually have THAT many directions), but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. After the fear, it just became "Hmph. Now what?"
"Now What?" has turned into a lot of career books and online advice and research. I'm not there yet, but I have come up with these two tidbits so far.
1) I eventually want to work for myself, just not yet. I know that I probably will not feel like I've lived my life completely unless I have started my own business (or non-profit). I'm just not there yet. Not only do I not have enough experience or capital to start any kind of endeavor now, I also haven't settled on what it will be. I have a running list of options, and each day it feels like I place a different one at the top of the list. Until there is one that firmly sets itself as the obvious choice for a long stretch of time, I don't want to dive into something that monetarily or emotionally costly. I think I can safely say that I probably won't be at this point for at least another five years. Until then, I would like a job that doesn't suck and pays me enough to be able to save for said future endeavor.
2) I need something I like enough to stay put and be content if the going gets tough. I really know too many people who got stuck in a job. Out of sheer dumb luck, they got stuck with a sick family member, an oopsy-daisy baby or two, a boatload of debt, or a costly house repair. Even though they had all kinds of dreamy plans, those got shelved for the practical needs of putting food on the table, paying the medical bills, and staying on top of the mortgage. I would love to think that there is no way my life could ever go in such a direction, but I also think it's best to play it safe for the just-in-cases in life. I want whatever trajectory I'm on to be a tract I can stay on if the shit goes down and I can't be mobile in my career anymore. And that means a kind of work I am content in. Maybe my new business will be just a side hobby for a while, but at least my children won't go hungry.
Hopefully more revelations will be coming soon...
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I Love My Dead-End Job
I spent the morning with an ex-colleague of mine from my old theatre job. She has a young daughter, so we sometimes get together and let our kids wander around a playground (or indoor play area) while we talk about trying to have an artistically fulfilling life while also being parents. She's awesome.
We hadn't done a play date in a while, our winter schedules not lining up well, so there was a lot of catching up to do. She's a really great listener (she's an actor and a psychologist, need I say more), and she was asking me about how the post-theatre/temp life is going.
"It's actually going amazing. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life."
Whaaaaaa? Back up. Did I just say that? And mean it?
Yes. Yes I did. I am working a job that conventional wisdom would declare most definitively a dead-end, soulless, paper-pushing job. A job completely lacking in any kind of personal meaning or sense of purpose. Not one drop. And I'm happy.
Temping
Since Thanksgiving, I've been a temporary employee for a development company. I am the "Executive Assistant" to the VP of Construction on a new retail/residential/movie theatre/park community. Since I'm just a temp, know absolutely nothing about the construction/development world, and the project I'm "assisting" is at a stand still as it gets closed out and sold off, I just sit at a desk from 9 - 5.
No really, that's all I do. Sometimes I answer the phone (about three times a day on average and mostly to just say I have no idea what's going on), sometimes the Veep needs a personal errand (like getting the tire replaced on her car), and sometimes I print a few things up and file them away in files that are just going to be thrown away in a few months when the building gets sold. Oh, and everyone once in a while I mail off a check.
My friends think I'm on some candid camera-type show and I don't know it.
Work-Life Meaning
Now, I was raised to believe that Fulfilling Life = Fulfilling Job. They are, or should be, one and the same. One's purpose in life can be found in their job, or what they eventually want to be their job and are working toward. Follow your dreams, you can do anything, build it and they will come, yada yada yada. I don't mean to sound as jaded as that sounds, because that's not really how I feel. It's just that this new dead-end job experience has certainly turned my head.
I'm really happy. Not because of the job--the job gives me nothing but a paycheck and endless hours on the internet. But for the first time in my professional life, I can walk out the door of my job and leave it 100% behind. After I cross that threshold, it does not enter my brain until I cross it again the next day. (I mean, what would I think about? The blank white walls? The copy machine?) This new-found peace of mind means I can devote all my energy to my family, my home, my hobbies, my food, my interests, my health, my quirks, myself. All the little details that I never paid attention to before because I was in a hurry or stressed out or just needed more sleep, I can pay attention to those now. And all those details are what makes me happy right now.
I've become a better cook. We can balance our meager budget and stick to it with relative ease. When I walk in the door and the Toddler is super excited to see me and wants to play at the rate of a million miles a minute, I can just roll with him. I'm more, umm, playful and intimate with my husband. I can think. I can write. I can brainstorm. I can read. I can make all the truly fulfilling things in my life, well, fulfilling.
I realize I do not want a dead-end job permanently. If I knew this job were lasting forever, or it was a concerted career decision gone awry, I would hate it. But right now, I just consider it a huge gift. A beautiful opportunity to try a different kind of life, and find out why it's (surprisingly) not so bad after all.
I know that eventually I will want a job that is more directed, more conscious, more driven. I will want to feel like my brain is contributing an iota of help to form a better world. I will get there, I have no doubt. But this experience has given me patience toward that end. Getting there faster may not be better. I can stop to smell the roses along the way, and that's okay.
And ten years from now I will look back at this Year of Temping and, with an ironic smile on my face, think "Now those were the good ole days."
We hadn't done a play date in a while, our winter schedules not lining up well, so there was a lot of catching up to do. She's a really great listener (she's an actor and a psychologist, need I say more), and she was asking me about how the post-theatre/temp life is going.
"It's actually going amazing. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life."
Whaaaaaa? Back up. Did I just say that? And mean it?
Yes. Yes I did. I am working a job that conventional wisdom would declare most definitively a dead-end, soulless, paper-pushing job. A job completely lacking in any kind of personal meaning or sense of purpose. Not one drop. And I'm happy.
Temping
Since Thanksgiving, I've been a temporary employee for a development company. I am the "Executive Assistant" to the VP of Construction on a new retail/residential/movie theatre/park community. Since I'm just a temp, know absolutely nothing about the construction/development world, and the project I'm "assisting" is at a stand still as it gets closed out and sold off, I just sit at a desk from 9 - 5.
No really, that's all I do. Sometimes I answer the phone (about three times a day on average and mostly to just say I have no idea what's going on), sometimes the Veep needs a personal errand (like getting the tire replaced on her car), and sometimes I print a few things up and file them away in files that are just going to be thrown away in a few months when the building gets sold. Oh, and everyone once in a while I mail off a check.
My friends think I'm on some candid camera-type show and I don't know it.
Work-Life Meaning
Now, I was raised to believe that Fulfilling Life = Fulfilling Job. They are, or should be, one and the same. One's purpose in life can be found in their job, or what they eventually want to be their job and are working toward. Follow your dreams, you can do anything, build it and they will come, yada yada yada. I don't mean to sound as jaded as that sounds, because that's not really how I feel. It's just that this new dead-end job experience has certainly turned my head.
I'm really happy. Not because of the job--the job gives me nothing but a paycheck and endless hours on the internet. But for the first time in my professional life, I can walk out the door of my job and leave it 100% behind. After I cross that threshold, it does not enter my brain until I cross it again the next day. (I mean, what would I think about? The blank white walls? The copy machine?) This new-found peace of mind means I can devote all my energy to my family, my home, my hobbies, my food, my interests, my health, my quirks, myself. All the little details that I never paid attention to before because I was in a hurry or stressed out or just needed more sleep, I can pay attention to those now. And all those details are what makes me happy right now.
I've become a better cook. We can balance our meager budget and stick to it with relative ease. When I walk in the door and the Toddler is super excited to see me and wants to play at the rate of a million miles a minute, I can just roll with him. I'm more, umm, playful and intimate with my husband. I can think. I can write. I can brainstorm. I can read. I can make all the truly fulfilling things in my life, well, fulfilling.
I realize I do not want a dead-end job permanently. If I knew this job were lasting forever, or it was a concerted career decision gone awry, I would hate it. But right now, I just consider it a huge gift. A beautiful opportunity to try a different kind of life, and find out why it's (surprisingly) not so bad after all.
I know that eventually I will want a job that is more directed, more conscious, more driven. I will want to feel like my brain is contributing an iota of help to form a better world. I will get there, I have no doubt. But this experience has given me patience toward that end. Getting there faster may not be better. I can stop to smell the roses along the way, and that's okay.
And ten years from now I will look back at this Year of Temping and, with an ironic smile on my face, think "Now those were the good ole days."
Friday, February 4, 2011
Idea Journal
Back in December, I was given some money as Christmas and birthday gifts. $170 total, which is a whole heck of a lot of money to me these days so I'm not about to go and blow it without some serious thought. $70 I'm setting aside so John and I can make some household improvements (like finally getting something with which to decorate the bare walls of our dining room). The other $100 I've set aside for myself, and have been going back and forth in my head as to what on earth I'm going to do with it. Do I go shopping for (much needed) clothes? Or maybe have a nice dinner at a favorite restaurant? Maybe some new kitchen-y stuff?
There was one thing I knew I wanted to spend it on from the beginning, but it seemed so lame I almost couldn't admit to it. But yesterday I did it: I went out and bought a notebook. That's right, I "splurged"--$6.56 at Target for a really cute stone notebook and three little mini notebooks to carry around in my bag.
I'm calling the stone notebook my Idea Journal. I was so excited about it, I was seriously giddy holding it as I walked out the door.
The Big Idea
You see, I'm a big picture, big idea person with a lot of interests and a lot of creativity. The result is that I often have huge inspirations and absolutely no follow through. I lose focus so easily and so entirely that good ideas just get lost or crowded out by newer ideas that steal my momentary attention. To put it frankly, I become "flighty." Even in just the last year, I can't even begin to list the number of ideas I've had for starting my own business or writing a book or traveling somewhere or doing something crazy.
I realize that 99.9% of my ideas are just that: ideas. They belong out in the ether to die away because nothing ever should come of them. But, because I have never developed a way to think about them in depth or sort through them and organize my thoughts, even the .1% that have a good chance of becoming something die away too. And that is a true shame.
So I bought my stone notebook. I hope whatever I chose to spend the remaining $93.44 on brings me as much happiness.
There was one thing I knew I wanted to spend it on from the beginning, but it seemed so lame I almost couldn't admit to it. But yesterday I did it: I went out and bought a notebook. That's right, I "splurged"--$6.56 at Target for a really cute stone notebook and three little mini notebooks to carry around in my bag.
I'm calling the stone notebook my Idea Journal. I was so excited about it, I was seriously giddy holding it as I walked out the door.
The Big Idea
You see, I'm a big picture, big idea person with a lot of interests and a lot of creativity. The result is that I often have huge inspirations and absolutely no follow through. I lose focus so easily and so entirely that good ideas just get lost or crowded out by newer ideas that steal my momentary attention. To put it frankly, I become "flighty." Even in just the last year, I can't even begin to list the number of ideas I've had for starting my own business or writing a book or traveling somewhere or doing something crazy.
I realize that 99.9% of my ideas are just that: ideas. They belong out in the ether to die away because nothing ever should come of them. But, because I have never developed a way to think about them in depth or sort through them and organize my thoughts, even the .1% that have a good chance of becoming something die away too. And that is a true shame.
So I bought my stone notebook. I hope whatever I chose to spend the remaining $93.44 on brings me as much happiness.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Health Update
Time to check in!
Being Active
On my goals to be more active, I have definitely done very well. Other than the horrible weather, which has kept me indoors a few more times than I would have liked, I have still managed to up the ante on my activity level.
Things I have done in the past few weeks:
-I've made an effort to walk a great deal more (I probably get in about an average of a half-mile or so more a day than I had before.)
-I've taken the stairs whenever possible (though I was disappointed to learn that I cannot take the stairs up to the second floor where my office is--I actually have to take the elevator. Lame.)
-I actually broke into a run on my way to the grocery store the other day, for about a quarter mile. Just for the hell of it. It was strangely really fun!
-I ran up the three flights of steps to get to the train every afternoon (instead of taking the escalator)
-When I go to the grocery store, I always grab a basket instead of a cart (more doable since I haven't had the Toddler with me.) Like I said, it's the little things that I'm hoping will count.
-I've carried home the groceries from work like four time in the past two weeks. Each time, that's over a mile of walking with two heavy grocery bags.
-I've been picking up the Toddler more and more, and getting down on the floor to roll around and play with him. I don't turn him down as often when he wants to be pushed in his wagon (trust me, it's a workout).
All of these thing have definitely added up. I can feel it. They may seem really small, but then I have a day like today where I dragged about 20 pounds worth of groceries over a mile in two feet of snow with a temp of less than 10 degrees, and I am freaking exhausted. And it's all by doing things I would normally do (like grocery shopping), but just doing them the "hard" way. It's kind of nice because I don't bitch as much to myself when things get hard--instead I just shrug and say, "Well, at least it's more active." I figure if I keep just pushing a little bit each day, I will eventually be doing more serious activities. Like, I want to eventually get in shape enough to bike to and from work everyday, but that will take some stamina building to get there.
Nutrition
I've been eating pretty well. I wish I could get in more vegetables right now, but seeing as I'm also trying to eat relatively seasonally too, the veggies are less than prevalent in February in Chicago. Other than that, I've had way less sugar and alcohol and caffeine than normal, and I've been feeling great. And, if I do say so myself, John and I have been freaking awesome about cooking all of our meals at home. The most processed I've had recently has been canned organic soup and organic crackers. Poverty certainly has it's pluses.
Tuning In
I was thrilled to learn that my favorite Integrated Medicine doctor has another book about general women's health. I checked it out of the library and have been reading it and trying to pay a lot more attention to my body. There's some fascinating info on how women's bodies are different at different times of their cycles, and how to pay attention to those changes and make the most of them. Like, apparently women have bursts of energy starting with when their period starts until when they ovulate, and then they become very introspective and tend to get more fatigued or moody or need more sleep until their period begins again. I'll be interested to follow my body's patterns and see if this holds true.
I still have a long way to go to train myself to tune in fully, but at least I know I won't be one of those girls on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, or whatever that show is.
Needs Improvement
I really need to be better about drinking enough water. It's tough when it gets so cold and the air turns so dry--I feel like I'm perpetually thirsty in the winter.
And there are the vegetables.
Am I Healthy?
So far so good! I've had a lot of energy this week, have been sleeping well, and have no glaring issues. All my "measurements" seem to be in good order. [Note: I would weigh in and get my true BMI, but I have a really dumb reason why I can't. See, I weigh myself in on my Wii Fit, but I can't access my Wii right now. We went to a friends house a few weeks ago to watch da Bears, and I took the remote to my tv as a toy for the Toddler for while we were there (otherwise he would want to play with all the other button-filled remotes). Great trick, unless you then forgot it there. And, then that friend goes out of town. And then that friend gets snowed out of town. ::Sigh:: Anyway, we'll be going back to his place for the Super Bowl, so I will be able to get the remote then, and then come home and weigh in to get my BMI.] Until I can get my BMI, my pants are feeling looser, and my body is taking a healthier-looking shape, so I don't really feel a huge need to weigh in.
And, I have also not gotten sick yet this winter (knock on wood, cross fingers, twirl around and spit over left shoulder)! I had a little weird bout of nausea yesterday morning, but I think it was just something I ate because it didn't come to anything. (And NO, I'm not pregnant.)
Being Active
On my goals to be more active, I have definitely done very well. Other than the horrible weather, which has kept me indoors a few more times than I would have liked, I have still managed to up the ante on my activity level.
Things I have done in the past few weeks:
-I've made an effort to walk a great deal more (I probably get in about an average of a half-mile or so more a day than I had before.)
-I've taken the stairs whenever possible (though I was disappointed to learn that I cannot take the stairs up to the second floor where my office is--I actually have to take the elevator. Lame.)
-I actually broke into a run on my way to the grocery store the other day, for about a quarter mile. Just for the hell of it. It was strangely really fun!
-I ran up the three flights of steps to get to the train every afternoon (instead of taking the escalator)
-When I go to the grocery store, I always grab a basket instead of a cart (more doable since I haven't had the Toddler with me.) Like I said, it's the little things that I'm hoping will count.
-I've carried home the groceries from work like four time in the past two weeks. Each time, that's over a mile of walking with two heavy grocery bags.
-I've been picking up the Toddler more and more, and getting down on the floor to roll around and play with him. I don't turn him down as often when he wants to be pushed in his wagon (trust me, it's a workout).
All of these thing have definitely added up. I can feel it. They may seem really small, but then I have a day like today where I dragged about 20 pounds worth of groceries over a mile in two feet of snow with a temp of less than 10 degrees, and I am freaking exhausted. And it's all by doing things I would normally do (like grocery shopping), but just doing them the "hard" way. It's kind of nice because I don't bitch as much to myself when things get hard--instead I just shrug and say, "Well, at least it's more active." I figure if I keep just pushing a little bit each day, I will eventually be doing more serious activities. Like, I want to eventually get in shape enough to bike to and from work everyday, but that will take some stamina building to get there.
Nutrition
I've been eating pretty well. I wish I could get in more vegetables right now, but seeing as I'm also trying to eat relatively seasonally too, the veggies are less than prevalent in February in Chicago. Other than that, I've had way less sugar and alcohol and caffeine than normal, and I've been feeling great. And, if I do say so myself, John and I have been freaking awesome about cooking all of our meals at home. The most processed I've had recently has been canned organic soup and organic crackers. Poverty certainly has it's pluses.
Tuning In
I was thrilled to learn that my favorite Integrated Medicine doctor has another book about general women's health. I checked it out of the library and have been reading it and trying to pay a lot more attention to my body. There's some fascinating info on how women's bodies are different at different times of their cycles, and how to pay attention to those changes and make the most of them. Like, apparently women have bursts of energy starting with when their period starts until when they ovulate, and then they become very introspective and tend to get more fatigued or moody or need more sleep until their period begins again. I'll be interested to follow my body's patterns and see if this holds true.
I still have a long way to go to train myself to tune in fully, but at least I know I won't be one of those girls on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, or whatever that show is.
Needs Improvement
I really need to be better about drinking enough water. It's tough when it gets so cold and the air turns so dry--I feel like I'm perpetually thirsty in the winter.
And there are the vegetables.
Am I Healthy?
So far so good! I've had a lot of energy this week, have been sleeping well, and have no glaring issues. All my "measurements" seem to be in good order. [Note: I would weigh in and get my true BMI, but I have a really dumb reason why I can't. See, I weigh myself in on my Wii Fit, but I can't access my Wii right now. We went to a friends house a few weeks ago to watch da Bears, and I took the remote to my tv as a toy for the Toddler for while we were there (otherwise he would want to play with all the other button-filled remotes). Great trick, unless you then forgot it there. And, then that friend goes out of town. And then that friend gets snowed out of town. ::Sigh:: Anyway, we'll be going back to his place for the Super Bowl, so I will be able to get the remote then, and then come home and weigh in to get my BMI.] Until I can get my BMI, my pants are feeling looser, and my body is taking a healthier-looking shape, so I don't really feel a huge need to weigh in.
And, I have also not gotten sick yet this winter (knock on wood, cross fingers, twirl around and spit over left shoulder)! I had a little weird bout of nausea yesterday morning, but I think it was just something I ate because it didn't come to anything. (And NO, I'm not pregnant.)
Challenge Me
There is a really cool pattern I'm starting to notice with people of my generation (I don't know what we call ourselves--Gen Y-ers? Millennials?): we are really getting into what I will call Self-Discovery Challenges.
A couple of months ago, I started to think about it because I read No Impact Man and saw the documentary. In it, the author decides to get as close as possible to having no environmental impact for a full year. He does it gradually--starting with cutting out waste, getting his wife to shop thrift only, composting, biking everywhere, getting his daughter into cloth diapers, only shopping at the farmers market, etc--and eventually for the last couple months ends up as extreme as possible with no electricity. It's a thought-provoking read, and at the end he puts up the challenge to his readers: go No Impact for X amount of time, and just see what you glean from it.
I find books, blogs, and concepts like these fascinating--they are like candy to me. They are also becoming really prevalent, and seem to appeal to my generation more than most. (I really only say that because I know my mom and dad have no interest whatsoever in this form of writing, so I really have no idea if it's generational or not. Just a hunch.)
A few years ago, I read a book called Not Buying It, where a couple decides to not buy anything new for a full year (except necessaries like food and toilet paper). One of my favorite books of all time is Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver, where she and her family decide to only eat what they could grow and buy within 100 miles for a full year. Then there are the stories and web communities of people who pledge to get out of debt or lose X pounds or go vegan or whatever. A good friend of mine is doing the "6 Items or Less" challenge, where she only wears six items of clothing for full month.
A few years ago, I read a book called Not Buying It, where a couple decides to not buy anything new for a full year (except necessaries like food and toilet paper). One of my favorite books of all time is Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver, where she and her family decide to only eat what they could grow and buy within 100 miles for a full year. Then there are the stories and web communities of people who pledge to get out of debt or lose X pounds or go vegan or whatever. A good friend of mine is doing the "6 Items or Less" challenge, where she only wears six items of clothing for full month.
I love to read about these challenges. I love seeing the good and the bad--the moments where the author hits a roadblock, shows that he is only human, questions what on earth he was thinking--and then the comes out the other end stronger and with a better sense of who he is and how he views the world. Maybe it's a little dramatized, but it hits the spot for me.
But, here's the kicker. I have never actually done a challenge--top to bottom. I read about them like a fifteen year-old boy reads porn (okay...maybe I read Jane Austen like a fifteen year-old boy reads porn, but it's a close second), and I've never taken the plunge on any of them.
Honestly, I'm kind of disappointed in myself. I'm one part chicken-shit, one part Doubting Thomas. I scared to be judged as a lunatic. And, though I enjoy these books, I've never read something that spoke so purely to me it was like a biblical revelation. I can always disagree with something. So, I'll take a piece here or there, change a little bit of my lifestyle, and then be on my way.
I feel like I'm really missing out.
I wish there was some more concrete challenge I could take up in my year of discovery--something where I could find a community of people doing the same things and discussing the same problems. Something with strict rules that shock me into a drastically new behavior. Something that would get me so far out of my comfort zone that I could have meaningful revelations. Something that gave me that feeling of accomplishment at the end. (And, honestly, it would probably be best for me if it had something to do with a job or career, but I won't be too picky.)
Honestly, I'm kind of disappointed in myself. I'm one part chicken-shit, one part Doubting Thomas. I scared to be judged as a lunatic. And, though I enjoy these books, I've never read something that spoke so purely to me it was like a biblical revelation. I can always disagree with something. So, I'll take a piece here or there, change a little bit of my lifestyle, and then be on my way.
I feel like I'm really missing out.
I wish there was some more concrete challenge I could take up in my year of discovery--something where I could find a community of people doing the same things and discussing the same problems. Something with strict rules that shock me into a drastically new behavior. Something that would get me so far out of my comfort zone that I could have meaningful revelations. Something that gave me that feeling of accomplishment at the end. (And, honestly, it would probably be best for me if it had something to do with a job or career, but I won't be too picky.)
So, it got me wondering....are there any challenges out there that can help me with my personal self-discovery? If not, could I start one? Or, is what I'm doing enough?
I feel like it's not enough.
Is this diary-blog enough?
Hmmph.
I feel like it's not enough.
Is this diary-blog enough?
Hmmph.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Theatre
I quit my job in July of last year. I had a "great" job in the theatre industry, one that so many people I know would BEG to have. But, in the end, it was only a great job on paper. The reality of it sucked, for me at least. Leaving it was the best thing I've ever done for my health and happiness, and I've never regretted it for a moment.
So my head is spinning with the questions that leaves me--did the shit-astic parts only pertain to that specific job at that specific theatre, or do the things that I hated exist at every theatre? Should I strive to find another theatre or arts management job, in the field where I've gotten a great start to a career? Or has the time come to move on? Is moving on just throwing the baby out with the bathwater?
Maybe I should look at the reasons I left....
What Sucked
Looking back, there were so many elements to that job that were simply soul-crushing--the kind of soul-crushing that is so subtle that it seeps into you over time, and before you know it, you're insane. Passive-aggressive soul-suckage, or something. What are the things I simply could not live with again...things that I could not abide in another job?
1) The constant stress that made me think about work non-stop. The kind that gets so chronic that my relationships and my health suffered.
2) The elitist board of directors with their vanity and lack of integrity.
3) The actual physical environment--a dimly lit cave of an office (Umm...I worked in a converted men's bathroom. And I shared it with 3 other people. I'm not kidding.)
4) The feeling that I worked for a dead company, just being allowed to live a zombie-like existence out of nostalgia and vanity. Yes, there were good parts, and real reasons for the nostalgia, and true potential to breathe back to life, but day in and day out it felt like something that just kept existing because nobody wanted to let it die. I had to struggle to justify its purpose and the reasons for all the stress, and in the end it made me feel like it was all for nothing--like there was no inspiration left in the arts world.
5) The pay. I worked there for four years, pretty much ran the place, and got my salary up to $33K before I left. There was only one "benefit": we got reimbursed for our own individual health insurance plan, up to a certain amount. No group plan, no help with dependents or spouses, no health savings account. No retirement. No "working lunches." Not even a freaking CTA pass. Two weeks vacation. Maternity leave was one month paid.
Just this once, or all theatre?
Other than the shitty pay and benefits, not all jobs in theatre are this way. John is working at a truly dream job in theatre right now--not just on paper but in reality. I love the company he works for. Honestly, it is one of the best theatre companies in Chicago in every sense: the people, its artistic integrity, community, quality of work, support, meaning. When I go see a show there, or help out, I just feel like "This is what theatre is meant to be." (And I'm pretty damn picky.)
So, here's a litmus test for me: if they are the best case scenario, would I want to work for them?
.....
....The amount I have to pause and think about that means something in and of itself. I mean, yes, I would work for them, (but there's a big but) but only if the above five things did not have the impact on me like they did at the last place. Knowing the reality of theatre, that's not an option, even at John's dream theatre. They may be doing better work, and be managing to cut out number 4 and do better on all other fronts, but the reality is that artistic greatness still comes at a price. Being asked to care so much comes at a price.
I think I'm realizing I'm not willing to pay it. When it comes to theatre, you have to care--a lot. It's not really an option to not devote a huge part of your soul to it. Theatre has to become your life too, not just your job. It's something I loved about it when I entered into it. But, it's simply no longer worth it for me. The kind of caring that is asked of an employee or artist--the amount of heart and soul you have to pour into it--I just don't have it in me to give that to theatre anymore. I don't think I care enough about it anymore. Or maybe I care too much about other things now. Either way, in the end, I don't think I can be the kind of employee that I should be if I were to continue to work in theatre.
Have I become the stereotypical jaded theatre artist?
Should I cry about this, or should I be relieved?
So my head is spinning with the questions that leaves me--did the shit-astic parts only pertain to that specific job at that specific theatre, or do the things that I hated exist at every theatre? Should I strive to find another theatre or arts management job, in the field where I've gotten a great start to a career? Or has the time come to move on? Is moving on just throwing the baby out with the bathwater?
Maybe I should look at the reasons I left....
What Sucked
Looking back, there were so many elements to that job that were simply soul-crushing--the kind of soul-crushing that is so subtle that it seeps into you over time, and before you know it, you're insane. Passive-aggressive soul-suckage, or something. What are the things I simply could not live with again...things that I could not abide in another job?
1) The constant stress that made me think about work non-stop. The kind that gets so chronic that my relationships and my health suffered.
2) The elitist board of directors with their vanity and lack of integrity.
3) The actual physical environment--a dimly lit cave of an office (Umm...I worked in a converted men's bathroom. And I shared it with 3 other people. I'm not kidding.)
4) The feeling that I worked for a dead company, just being allowed to live a zombie-like existence out of nostalgia and vanity. Yes, there were good parts, and real reasons for the nostalgia, and true potential to breathe back to life, but day in and day out it felt like something that just kept existing because nobody wanted to let it die. I had to struggle to justify its purpose and the reasons for all the stress, and in the end it made me feel like it was all for nothing--like there was no inspiration left in the arts world.
5) The pay. I worked there for four years, pretty much ran the place, and got my salary up to $33K before I left. There was only one "benefit": we got reimbursed for our own individual health insurance plan, up to a certain amount. No group plan, no help with dependents or spouses, no health savings account. No retirement. No "working lunches." Not even a freaking CTA pass. Two weeks vacation. Maternity leave was one month paid.
Just this once, or all theatre?
Other than the shitty pay and benefits, not all jobs in theatre are this way. John is working at a truly dream job in theatre right now--not just on paper but in reality. I love the company he works for. Honestly, it is one of the best theatre companies in Chicago in every sense: the people, its artistic integrity, community, quality of work, support, meaning. When I go see a show there, or help out, I just feel like "This is what theatre is meant to be." (And I'm pretty damn picky.)
So, here's a litmus test for me: if they are the best case scenario, would I want to work for them?
.....
....The amount I have to pause and think about that means something in and of itself. I mean, yes, I would work for them, (but there's a big but) but only if the above five things did not have the impact on me like they did at the last place. Knowing the reality of theatre, that's not an option, even at John's dream theatre. They may be doing better work, and be managing to cut out number 4 and do better on all other fronts, but the reality is that artistic greatness still comes at a price. Being asked to care so much comes at a price.
I think I'm realizing I'm not willing to pay it. When it comes to theatre, you have to care--a lot. It's not really an option to not devote a huge part of your soul to it. Theatre has to become your life too, not just your job. It's something I loved about it when I entered into it. But, it's simply no longer worth it for me. The kind of caring that is asked of an employee or artist--the amount of heart and soul you have to pour into it--I just don't have it in me to give that to theatre anymore. I don't think I care enough about it anymore. Or maybe I care too much about other things now. Either way, in the end, I don't think I can be the kind of employee that I should be if I were to continue to work in theatre.
Have I become the stereotypical jaded theatre artist?
Should I cry about this, or should I be relieved?
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