One inescapable truth of my 29th Year project is that it's about me: MY personal improvement. And, yes, even in the Romance department it means the same thing. It's not about trying to get my partner to improve himself in some way that has been bothering me or that I wish he would notice and change. It's not about resolving a particular relationship issue. It's about me. Who am I not being, to my husband and marriage, that I want to be.
Ummm.... That can be tough. Especially when I'm as stubborn as I am. In romantic relationships, it is SO easy to say that the issues are "our" problems (or "his" problems). It is so easy to say "we" need to work on this or that. Strip that defense away, and it feels pretty vulnerable to know that I am so responsible for something I care so much about. To realize that, if something goes wrong in my marriage, there is a 50% chance that I am at fault. Not circumstance or chance. Me.
And, yes. That's the truth. Absorbing that fact can make me a little shaken. My automatic defenses make me much more likely to place the blame on shoulders that are not my own, and it's hard to reverse the hard-wiring.
Let's take an example (and a dangerous one at that): my looks.
Now, as someone who's never particularly cared much about my outward appearance, I will admit that I've taken that a little far since having a baby. Frankly, I've not really tried. And (in my narcissistic mind) my husband just needed to deal. If I didn't want to lose the extra baby weight, or if I wanted to continue to wear maternity clothes for way longer than socially acceptable, then that's his problem, right? He should just love me for who I am.
But, when I started to take more of an interest in my health, let's just say he wasn't skilled enough at hiding his interest and excitement. I picked up on it, and my slightly too defensive side wasn't too pleased. I also wasn't keen on how happy he was that I started having to dress nicer and wear make-up to work. Why is he implying I need to look better??? He should just love me for who I am!
And, on some level, this is true. He should love me for who I am, and he does. But, remember, my 29th Year isn't about him. It's about me. So it begs the question, do I really want to be that kind of wife to my husband? Do I really want to say "Look, if I want to grow fat and unattractive, you just need to deal with it."?
Jesus Caroline, what kind of message am I sending him?
I'll tell you what: it's that I don't care enough about him to put in a little effort. It's that I don't think he's special enough to want to look good for him.
How horrible! That's not what I want to say or who I want to be. Would I want him to do the same thing to me? Absolutely not. So why am I okay with doing that to the most important person in my life?
It is simply not respectful to the people I love when I am too damn hard-headed to admit when I'm not keeping up my end of the bargain--when I demand that someone should just love me for who I am, even when I can't do the same or wouldn't want someone to demand the same of me.
It may not seem all that revelatory on paper, but to me this realization is a pretty big deal to me. Then again, I suppose for an improvement project that's all about me, that's what counts.
